I think the hardest part about being a stepmom was the lack of control I had over anything in my house. I always felt like IT was there. It wasn’t the fact that IT was it just felt like it. Every decision had to be thought out and processed. War games is what I call them. Running every possible scenario to every decision we made to ensure it would not be misinterpreted or generate a hostile response from IT. Now that we are a year and four months with not seeking or hearing from my stepchildren. IT still is here. However, war games are not about how IT will perceive everything we do in regards to my stepchildren but instead war-games consist of wondering how the children are. Are they getting enough to eat? Are my step-children still having to eat food out of the trashcan? Are they being properly clothed for the cold? Do they even have their cell phone anymore? There isn’t really any purpose to the questions because there never really an answer because there is no evidence to support which way we decide to answer the question.

I feel like I married IT when I married my husband. In all honesty, IT has been there through our entire relationship. In the beginning, IT was an ex-wife and HCBP. Now, IT holds my stepchildren hostage. Although we as a family, decided to sign the rights away to my stepchildren it did not replace the fact that my husband is there dad. No one can ever replace that title. Just like I could never be there mom. To be honest, we do not talk about the children much anymore. We can go weeks without mentioning them. Not speaking about them does not mean we do not miss them or wonder. I guess for me I rather not deal with all the emotions tide to the children so I just avoid the topic of talking about them, in a lot of ways it helps me keep my Vulcan like nature.

As a stepmom, we are all married to two people. It will always be that way, I see stepmom’s often who have lost their children who I know still feel IT around. IT can even destroy marriages. So as a stepmom, I can walk and sleep in my house, knowing everything in it has the presence of IT all over it. Now when I find items I burn it. If it reminds me of the kids I just burn it as long as Ben agrees.  In a lot of ways it is like preparing for deliverance ministry. You are required to burn all items that may have a religious curse on them. In brief moments the burning of things helps burn the memories and thoughts I no longer want to remember. Yet I always have to walk back into the house with IT. IT has spread to my desk, my car, and even places I frequent. I guess in a lot of ways I just have to get used to IT being around. IT will never go away completely even in 3883 days there will be no way to exercise the demon, IT. It will reside with me until I die. I know this and therefore as stepmoms we have to be comfortable with IT in everything we see. Because in all honestly it doesn’t matter how hard you clean, destroy or move;  IT is inside you. Because when we see IT in everything it generates our fear of being like IT someday.




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