Burying My Five Year Old Self Today

I buried my five year old  self today. That part of me that loved to laugh and make corny jokes. The part of me that was best friend with my stepdaughter. We used to tell each other jokes in the car annoying her brother and dad. I never forget the first joke we told each other.  “Guess what….Chicken Butt!!!”  We laughed so hard in the car. Her dad just rolling his eyes and looking at me and saying thanks. The rest of the day it was Guess what and laughing when we responded together Chicken Butt!!! I think the hardest part of losing my step children has been losing the part of me that identified with them. The inner child that I have to hide from work while I have to be an adult. Yet when I used to go out to my car would tell myself the corniest jokes to make me laugh. Well today I am burying that part of me. When I lost my stepdaughter I lost my best friend. So like many stepparents who have lost their stepchildren. I am burying that part of me today. Because by the time I ever see her again she will no longer be the person who would laugh at those jokes she will instead be like her dad probably and just roll her eyes. If the five year old in me waits around only to be hurt again I don’t think I could handle that so it is easier to bury that part of me now forever. I decided that part of me is going to be laid to rest next to them memories of my stepdaughter because they were best friends and they would have wanted that.

Now is the boring adult me. Nothing really much to it. No jokes little in the way of humor. Just work and sleep and nothing more. With this burial I no longer hurt others and no longer have to hear the forced sighs of disappointment coming with the giggle or laugh coming out of me. No longer will that person be around but the boring logical person dedicated to the chains of this life we are required to be. Admittedly the five year old me brought sunshine often in a dark and cloudy life but I realize that is why as adults we no longer have joy but only survive from one pain experience to another because most people my age buried their five year old a long time ago. And now today I join you.

For those of you that still are lucky to have your five year old with you enjoy them and let no one ever shut them up because someday like I am today we all lose them. They get buried in the back part of our memories to be reminded that we were young once and life did have fun before the dark times. The more memories you have of that must surely keep you going through the everyday struggles of the dark stormy clouds of life. And as my five year old drifts off to sleep one last time you can hear her giggle Guess What Chicken Butt!!!

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bentori

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