I Have To Wonder If God Is Selfish

Well tonight is different it’s a late night at the office working on documentation and getting things together for a major migration. The stupid defibrillator machine is beeping non-stop all day because it needs batteries. But we must continue to work on the worksheets in order to make milestones. Anyway where do we begin? That’s right it’s lent.

Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Amen.

I admit this Lent has been really hard.  I failed on my Lent fast once already and part of me has just really given up on God. I am failing to see him in anything anymore. I have these days where I just think I am going to hell. I can’t follow the bible and goodness knows I broken so many of God’s laws. So what is the point to keeping the rules if we break them over and over? You have to wonder if Jesus knew he was going back to heaven when he died. Dying is easy if you know what the outcome is and where you’re going.

It is come to the point that I am just going to church where ever my husband says we have to go. Not because I really want to because it is not what I want nor is it the family I loved. I just have to learn to accept as the head of household it is what he wants and that is it. God is logical. Everything he has made, everything he does follows a logical purpose and reasoning. Yet my life is more like leaves falling off the tree fluttering everywhere. No church, no family, and little motivation or drive to even try to find them again considering God would find another reason to rip it from me. I have to wonder if God is selfish and wants things for himself and doesn’t share well with others. If that were the case then women represent this side of God. The reasonable and logical side has to be the male presence in God and that is why Adam was made in his image.  Who knows?

To be honest does anyone really care anymore about God? In a modern age with Google, social media, and Amazon Echos it seems like there is very little room for God anyway where. Has God helped me through deliverance ministry? Yes, but sometimes I have to think it was because he listens to certain people’s prayers but if you’re not in the inner circle well there is a waiting line around the back. Without church I lose focus and I listen to the logical negative side of my brain. The longer I stay out the harder it is to motivate myself to search for a new one.  I admit it I am not good around people. I am that social awkward person that nobody really wants to talk too. I worked to overcome that fear at the last church I loved. But when it came crashing down I just haven’t found the willing nature to be open with people when we visit places. It just takes too much. I think the hardest part is still helping people many of the people I help, now attend other churches and have seen great development in their faith. Yet all I want is to go back. Yet we cannot. That part of my life is over.

Anyway, this is really just a steam of thought. Sorry for the lack of detail and actual effort. Its just one of those days.  Now back to work. Have a great evening everyone who reads this.

Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Amen.




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