I Curse God For Putting Me Here – Church And Family

Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Amen.

Today I want to talk about what constitutes a family.  I think in Lent its important to discuss this because the disciples were Christ family and they denied him and betrayed him. Yesterday I posted of my current family, Ben making me laugh.  Now back to the post, I have been fighting myself doing this post but considering where I am at now I figure it is a good time to post it. We are approaching the one-year mark where the Bishop made decisions that ripped our church apart. A couple of months earlier, Ben and I had lost our first family. I will be honest. I have not found a church yet that makes me feel like home. I have visited several churches and to be honest it is not home. You know when it is home because it settles onto your heart as being home.

Right now, I only have one home. It is with Ben. Anytime Ben and I are together there is a comfort, a feeling, a relaxation that happens. I can be myself. Home is not about the four walls that surround you but about the comfort you have with someone. It is an unconscious feeling that is immediate. It is not about the theology, the belief, or even the ritual, it is about family. There just isn’t a decent English word to describe what happens but it’s a feeling you have when you walk in and begin worshiping with people.

I think reason why the ripping up of our church home was such a defining important event in my life was because it resembled how the family court system ripped the father of my step-children out of their lives.  A bishop and judge have the same power. The Father of the church was separated from his congregation and the members of his congregation are like my step children. We were forced to adapt and find new families. My step-children were forced to adapt to an abusive step-father and neglectful mother which was like them finding themselves in a new family.

The fact that I have found now almost a year I have been without a church family. I find excuses not to go to visit churches because I am still missing my old family. I want my family back and the Bishop refuses to allow it to occur. I have to wonder if this is how my step-children feel. They adapt but continue to watch the video of their father saying goodbye. I continue to go through videos and pictures of my old church family yearning for those days to return.

I love the movie Ground Hog Day, I wish I could relive the last day my stepdaughter, Tori, gave me a hug. It was sunny. I was walking between the Sunday school building and the parish kitchen. Tori gave me a hug.  If I had known, it was my last hug from here I would have stopped longer. I haven’t worn that dress since that day. I just cannot bring myself to put it on. At that point, we did not get to see the children all that much but when we did we always tried to make it memorable. I just would relive that day over and over because at least I still had my complete family and I had my church family.

Like the family court, when they separate families, there is no support for those hurt by the decision. No one wants to talk about it. So, your left with trying to reason out where to go and how to continue moving on without anyone wanting to help. So, I guess that is where I am at now. I will admit I go days where I curse God for putting me here. That it is not fair he took away my family, but he had to take my church family too. That he is a selfish God and it is not right. But I have those days where I see individuals from our former family and they seem to be doing great and have found a great new church for them.

So, although I want to worship as a family again, they have really blossomed in their new family. How can I destroy the beauty of that?  I cannot so I realize as a hear from former family members that the separation has strengthened their spirit. I have to close my hope that we could be reunited as family which is painful for me. Therefore, when we talk about finding a church in a lot of ways I do not want to anymore because its days like these that it will never be the family I remember and even if I found that feeling of home again I question would God even let me keep it.

Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Amen.


Pictures show the unification of my family, a joining of my family to the family of Christ, the support we received after loosing my family and more.