I never imagined when I was a child I would be going through this again. Having this battle in my mind and heart. I had gone through this spiritual drought and crisis in my twenties. And here we are again in my late thirties experiencing it again. After losing our children six months later we lost our church family. Through a split and deceitfulness we removed ourselves from the Satan followers. We wondered and found the Episcopal Church, which is nothing more than a glorified preachy feminist state. Expanding my search area and listening to other members who had left our previous church we have tried another Anglican church that is more episcopal and less Anglican. We have sat listening to the congregation and even had dinner with the preacher. Something in my gut tells me this is not where I need to be. Is it sad to say I am feeling sorry for the congregation because the dioceses their moving too is well radically different from the hearth their community has built? It would be like a child who goes from football to soccer and then makes the leap to swimming. I been asked to stay and wait it out to give it time to see but my heart and gut are telling me to keep moving.
So I struggle. When I look at the Roman Catholic Church understanding I am not about supporting a gay priest nor praying to the Virgin Mary. So now I am looking into the Orthodox Church. In the orthodox faith like most I have some concerns but admittedly it is a far different world than the Anglo-Catholic traditions. I worry because between the doing Clinical Pastoral Education classes and the traditions of both faiths am I just attempting to get a change to serve as a chaplain or deaconess for nothing. Am I willing to sacrifice what I have now spent several years trying to do? I will admit I just want to find a home. I am tired of searching for places of wondering around and having to meet people over and over again. I just want to find somewhere that has not let modern society corrupt it. I want to find somewhere that I am not looked at for wearing my veil. I just want to be able to stand, sit and kneel at the appropriate times and smell incenses once again.
I can understand why people walk away from the church now. Nothing seems right and there are compromises you have to make. The church should be consistent, traditional, and focused on the bible. I do not want to be constantly asked where you came from. Why should it matter?!?! I am worshiping with you today and because we all believe in the same Lord, Jesus Christ. We all hold those mysteries near and dear to our heart. Your politics, agendas, and thoughts are not important because God does not waiver or change his mind. He is constant and is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. I think in a lot of ways this is why I did about a two year stint of attending a temple while in college. There are only four types of Judaism, Reform, Conservative, Orthodox and Reconstructionist. There isn’t the tons of protestant flavors of denominations because someone couldn’t agree with someone.
In the end I think that is really it. Instead of dealing with our issues and disagreements with others we walk away or are forced out. In many ways the church focused the problems that now modern social family structures struggle with daily. If you cannot get along then you need to leave and not come back. Instead of sitting down and continuing to have an open heart to listening and receiving information to make amends for all issues. As the church continues to change to meet the needs of the people, it fails to bring the people what they really need, faith, repentance, hope, endurance and love. Through catechetical material we are able to apply what we know about our Christian faith and make it become of our daily practice with our walk with Christ. When the church fails its congregation in this it causes a spiritual drought which leads us to the sinful world of today.
My God bless us as it comes harder and harder to pick up our cross and follow him.