Good Morning my goal is to finish the 10 defence mechanisms that narcissistic females use tomorrow so we can begin the New Year with a new series. I should say I have learned more through my writing and reflection but a lot of what has happened remains a mystery. While statistically chaos can be contained it never can be fully understood or predicted. I appreciate all my readers who have been interested in learning more and gaining an insight into your own life by viewing mine.
Blame and Shame
This defense technic is not only used by narcissist but also by those who engage in parental alienation. Blame and Shame is nothing more than not taking responsibility for your own actions. I see society doing this more and more. It is essentially passing the buck. Narcissist use this technique to shame you into submission. Yet the technique is only effective if you allow yourself to hear and respond to the lies. Often if you have a mother who is using this technique you will likely hear it from your children first.
During Ben’s divorce, IT had convinced itself of a lie that Ben was crazy. Yet IT still let him take the children. IT believed it had been abused as well because he worked long hours to bring home a pay-check while it went to school and watched their children. IT saw being a domestic housewife as abuse. Ben’s mother was never shocked when he informed her he had caught IT with an Army officer having sex in their house. Ben’s mom told him that IT had been flirting with many Army officers at a boy scout event on post. Having visitations with the children, Xander would tell us that IT had said it was Dad’s fault they were getting a divorce. Tori would cry saying IT had told her that they could not afford a lunchbox she wanted because daddy was not giving them enough money.
I sure today though without us no longer having to pay child support those lies continue. The children used to complain that they were poor and that is why they would come over for visitation with inappropriate sized clothing, inappropriate clothing based on weather, and complaining of the quality of food they were receiving. Apparently, they had Pinto Bean Soup all the time because they were so poor and the children hated it. They would tell us it tasted like vomit. They would talk about the drinking both IT and stepfather did and how it resulted in them getting slapped in the back of the head by their stepfather with a huge ring on his finger. It is sad that IT used Ben as the excuse for these bad parenting decisions.
We know today that it is worse. The children have a stepfather who does not have a full-time job and only works in the reserves. IT works full time at least to support themselves. Between IT’s parents and stepfather’s parents they manage to pay rent and basics to keep a house over their heads and the children clothed. 7,200 dollars in a loss of child support is nothing to sneeze at especially if your using the child support to pay for your two brand new cars. I am confident that we are blamed for all their troubles. Yet like any good parent I just shrug my shoulders and walk away because in the end because IT needs to learn to take responsibility for its actions. While our stepchildren are inflicted with a less financially secure future, I know they will learn to appreciate more the value of hard work and earning what you receive vs it being handed to you to win favour.
We can be blamed Ben and I continue working hard and moving forward because when our children need us we will be there to lift them up and keep them going. To me there is no shame or blame in that because
IT IS WHAT IS EXPECTED OUT OF ANY PARENT!