Well we survived another Christmas. We watched cartoons most of the day or took naps. We opened each other’s gifts and that was about it. Nothing special nothing elaborate. But it was Hall Christmas the way we know how to celebrate it.
Splitting….this is a childlike view of seeing the world. A black or white, zero or one, kind of way. Seeing everything in this manner leaves no room for negotiations or even to do what is in the best interest of your child. My thoughts on this are that it is the result of having a control issue, the individual usually has no control or understanding of the situation and therefore makes the situation good or bad instead of what is in the best interest of the children. In Psychology Today, Dr. Neel Burton, describes this an individual’s inability to grasp complex situations or the current state of affairs. When excessive splitting occurs it causes an individual’s personality, their perceptions of the world around them, and others they engage with to be highly unstable. For example, an individual might be head over heels for someone and then suddenly begin to hate you. The psychological act of splitting is a common sign for multiple different personality disorders. While we all do splitting when we are confronted with new and challenging experiences, it is getting to a point of moving past splitting and being able to understand that there is a “grey” area in-between.
By the end of our dealings with HCBM we had seen this more than anything. Sitting down at court ordered mediation was nothing more than a waste of time and money. Everything had to be its way. At the beginning of the divorce she wanted to split our children between the two of them. Ben would get Xander and it would get Tori. It wanted to split their children and destroy the emotional bond the two of them had together. In a lot of ways it always viewed Xander as a burden. The weak point of being seen as the World’s Best Mother. Ben and I always agreed that we would never split the children up because we knew that would do more harm to them than good.
The splitting we experienced and saw was based on issues of not being able to control the chaos of the divorce. It was scared, hurt and frustrated that it has been caught cheating with its pants around its ankles. We have audio recordings acknowledging the inappropriate relationship it was having while being married to Ben. I think that the most responsive reaction we had was when we finally signed the rights away to our children. It took it less than 24 hours to get to its lawyers to sign the paperwork. Any other paperwork took weeks to get. Literally in less than 24 hours we were no longer legally obligated to the children. Our families no longer need to worry about playing both sides. We did what was in the best interest of our children and struck the final blow severing our relationship with them.
A couple of weeks prior to the final blow, Ben and it were sitting in the parenting facilitator. It was trying to dictate to Ben how it wanted him to spend his time with the children. It wanted to control what activities he did with the children. The Parenting Facilitator informed it that it could not dictate what was being done at Ben’s house during his time. It was not allowed to interfere with his time. It blew up. The parenting facilitator had addressed that it had control related issues and therefore the parenting facilitator often would dismiss the illogical absurdities coming from its mouth. If we had known a parenting facilitator could have been this useful in the beginning, Ben and I would have engaged in that option first instead of last. The parenting facilitator saw things from our perspective and found us to be in the right 95% of the time because we followed the wording of the degree down to the letter. Because to us it was more than a g-d piece of paper, but it was what it wanted for the children in the beginning.
Next time we will be discussing the Smear Campaign. LOL. Oh yes this is going to be a good one.