Today we talk about projection. It is the fourth defense mechanism out of ten women narcissist use to put themselves in a power position. Projection is the act of accusing and lying to the object of their anger that they themselves are actually guilty of doing. This is a defensive tactic they use to avoid being caught or having to admit the truth. I think in our instance this was where a lot of our confusion, laughter and rage came from. We had been told by our lawyers that she had said we had no toothpaste or toothbrushes for the kids. I have to admit first was shock and then me and my husband just laughed. If she had bothered asking Ben’s mom she would have known that the children had toothbrushes and toothpaste because she had bought them some when she had come to visit. I snapped a photo of the toothpaste lined container and their used toothbrushes. The lawyer even laughed at her accusation.
Her mom had suggested to HCBM at the beginning of their divorce to try and prove Ben was doing Parental Alienation on the children so she could get full custody of the children. Funny how we were more supportive of the children being with their mother and developing a relationship with her than she was projecting on to us. The sad thing is that after she had filed she had left the children with Ben. She moved out of their house they shared. What mother leaves their children with their father if she thinks they are hurting are harming them?!?!?! It’s a mother is more concerned with having an affair with a married officer in the United States Army is who. A mother who puts her needs and desires above those of her children. She promised Tori that she would not marry the Army Officer and yet that is what she did. I never forget Tori crying to me in her bedroom realizing her mom was a liar. It is what society calls A BAD MOTHER.
The funny thing about that is that she is not the only reason for her divorce from Ben but also for the divorce of her current husband. Funny how that plays out. She cried outside in front of Ben’s potato boxes begging him not to take the children away from her. She even asked for them to try it again. He laughed and said no he would not prevent the children from ever seeing her and no that their time was done. And in the end that is what she really wanted was the children to be hers alone. She would tell Ben that he was too loud and abusive to the children in forms of his punishment yet when Xander came home from a visit one day he had black and blue marks on his upper arm. Another projection issue. Our form of punishment was raising voices and placing the children in the corner. Hers was physically grabbing the children hard enough to develop bruises.
The worst form of projection was when she convinced the children I was a bad stepmother. How she would tell them I was not a good person and that she a much better mother than I could ever be. She would show my step-children how great of a step-mother she was to her boyfriends two children. Why would you tell a child that? Why do you feel the need to prove that? You failed to teach both of your children how to eat and sit at the dinner table and I did that. Yet I am a worse mother than you? I did not leave your children home alone with no adult supervision. I made sure your children did not eat out of a trash can when they did not want to eat what I had prepared. These are the things the children will remember. Most importantly I listened to your children and taught them how to pray to Almighty God for you. What have you done for them?!?!
I sit here now without a complete family. How the use of projection is how she won my in-laws to be on her side along with my sister and brother in law. She was able to use her victim-hood and being married to a crazy veteran status to get what she wanted. When no one can see is that she is suffering. She is doing harm to the children. Her lawyer told our lawyer that she knew that she was not treating the children right but since she was being paid she just ignored it. Yeah well ignoring it is what causing my children to have a place to be protected from the chaos of her life. When we would see them they did more sleeping, eating and relaxing than they ever did over at her house. We would try to fix their wounds and heal them to prepare them for the next round. Yet now we can only pray that they are strong enough to survive this final bought.