Broken Boy You Had Become

Morning Xander,

Hope everything is going well at home and your school. My thoughts have been on you lately.  I been worried about you. Yesterday your dad and I went out to eat at Jims and I got the boneless wings like you used to like to get. I made sure your dad and I had them with ranch dressing like you enjoyed them to be. I am constantly praying for you and your little sister. I have been reading online about stepmoms who hate their step-children. In a lot of ways I can relate.  In the beginning you and I used to get along but something changed.  I am not sure what changed but the dynamic of our relationship changed.

You saw me as a threat for some reason. You wanted to fight and talked often about wanting to hurt your family.  I remember the graphic details of how you wanted to push your brother, older sister and step-dad down the stairs if given the opportunity. How you hated how your brother touched your little sister. How you hated how they made fun of you and tried to fight with you. The boy I had first met would have never wanted to harm anyone and listening to you on multiple occasions just go off on me and your dad about wanting to cause harm to others concerned and shocked us both. The scariest moment was getting a call from your school saying you had brought a knife to school. We knew you had trouble with bullies and you were not adjusting well. Violence is never the answer though.

Towards the last time I saw you, all you did was want to fight with me. You fought with your father and antagonized your little sister. I hated you for causing discourse in our house. I loved you but hated you at the same time.  Then the issues with the lying. Honestly you were a really good liar. It was hard for me to detect if you were lying or not. I do not understand why you felt compelled to lie about everything.  Why did you try to set your father and me apart?  I was a neutral party in all of this.  I am not the reason your parents got divorced. I was there to love you and support you in any activity you chose. I wanted to defend you and get you what you needed to be a better human being in this life. I was your advocate.

As much as it pains me to say this the day we signed our rights away to you and your little sister part of me was relieved. Relieved that you could not come into our home and try to destroy it between the lying, fighting and drawing all over our walls. While there is that part I am ashamed to admit the rest of me did not want to see you go. I wanted to help see you through the process of the broken boy you had become because of the divorce. I wanted to be there for you when you were in your rage and walk beside you and get to the other side.  The other side where there is hope, joy and the return of the caring and nurturing boy I once knew. I hope you can find him Xander and please do not forget about him.

I love and miss you Xander.

Hugs,

M

Advertisements