I remember that day every day. The day you asked me to be your mom. You were three years old and you were still living at your dad’s house. You had a rough couple of days. Everything was changing and no one was talking to you about how you were feeling. As you stood up on the chair in the kitchen tired and upset you asked me to be your mom. It killed me inside when you asked. I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying yes. I gave you a hug and instead told you I would be your best friend. But you only had one mom and I could not take that away from you or her. As much as I wanted to say yes it was not fair to anyone else. A lot like having to walk away from you and your brother. For the two of you to find peace and not be hurt anymore we had to walk away so you find peace and rest. However, all I ever wanted to do was hold on and never let the two of you go.
The best part of being in both of your lives was I got to cook for a family. I got to take care of a family and share a little bit about me. But know that is gone. Your father and I are a family and we take care of each other. I believe that being a mom is not a name or title but is something that is earned. It is not by giving birth but instead being there to dry someone’s eyes or praying and teaching them to pray for their mother before bed. However, the true test comes when tough decisions must be made. Your father and I struggled for months back and forth on deciding whether to continue or not. We had seen once happy smiles turn into you acting out at our house out of pure frustration. We realized we could not have you continue down that path and the night before we sent our email to the lawyer I had read 1 Kings 3:16–28 also known as the judgment of Solomon. Like the mother, in the story, we could not see you hurt any longer and so we decided to give you up. I still cannot read that story in the bible without crying knowing the sacrifice that women made. After reading that story and discussing it we knew we were doing what was best for the two of you.
This in no way means we still do not think about you or miss you. Your father and I go every day at some point crying or talking about the two of you. We look forward to the day you are both 18. We pray you will have the desire and will to want to find us and meet with us. We know being separated now is hard but we know there will be joy at some point in our future. We both have lived through this which has made us available to other couples who are facing the same issue. In a lot of ways, this is why I write to the both of you every day or as close as I can so you can see we do not forget but we continue forward. That this was not your fault it was no one’s fault it was just all part of God’s divine plan. We must always be thankful for his divine plan.
Anyway, it is Wednesday so today I will be going to church to pray for the two of you and your mother and stepfather. I hope your day was amazing and you learned a lot. I will write tomorrow.
Hugs and kisses.